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Aug 15, 2016

1985

We hugged tightly after an inspiring evening over Pizza and juice. Saying goodbye knowing that we had just experienced one of those unique moments in life you don’t get to have often. We had only met three hours earlier for the first time. And it was one of those encounters in life that are inexplicable. Intense. Raw. True. Magical.

“Moments like this make me fall in love with life”, she said. And then my heart started to sing.

1985.

I was born into a place of great hope (hence the name my parents gave me) – but also a place of great despair, fear and negativity. For me, I thought, life would always be under a dark cloud. In the cycle my family lived in for decades. Growing up with the curse of always expecting the worse, not trusting, closing your heart and being afraid of living. I held my head down. I didn’t dare to look up. I didn’t dare to raise my voice. I didn’t think anyone would listen. I didn’t think I had something in me that was worth being heard. At the same time I had this whole world inside me, growing, getting bigger and bigger. It needed so much more room. It needed to spill. It needed to be seen. Most of all I needed to know I could find it inside of me to live happily no matter my circumstances. Because nobody told me I could. Some kids learn that early on because they are surrounded by healthy love. I had to teach it to myself – that a happy life is my choice. 

One day, I remember it clearly. I was sitting on the edge of our bed, after an ugly fight with him. Tears leaving shiny rivers on my face. My whole body stiff with anger and pain. It hit me. Those things I said. Did. I had seen them before. I knew this. This was familiar. I was taught to be like this. And right there and then, I decided to brake the cycle.

Although at the age of 20 I never thought this would be possible, with every year I grow, I get happier and happier. A few years ago I wrote in my journal: How can I be any happier than this? How can it get better than this?

And yet, it did. It does. Today, I’m feeling an overwhelming sense of happiness inside. Bigger, wider, deeper, stronger than ten years ago.

Not because everything is great. Not because I don’t struggle and my life is perfect. Not because I’m oblivious to what is happening around me. I still feel too much and I can’t breathe under the weight of this world sometimes. I still cry over things I cannot change, over people I cannot save – and I’m learning how to not let it break me.

But my attitude is different. My heart is in a different place. My happiness is not connected to anything on the outside anymore. I don’t need a perfect marriage to be happy, I don’t need a house, kids, I don’t need a big bank account, a million friends or Instagram followers, I don’t even need health or the perfect body or a successful business to be happy.

All of these things are beautiful and amazing. And they are a huge gift to have. They contribute to our state of being. But they are not the requirement for happiness.

Happiness is not superficial and it doesn’t mean you’re always smiling, ignoring your bills and the world news.

How can I explain it? I feel it so strongly but it’s so hard to describe.

Happiness feels like a deep rooted freedom.  Like there’s a blazing fire inside. A light that doesn’t go out. A gust of wind that carries you. It’s light. Strong. Liberating.

And that can only come from real love.

When you live out of a place of love, then life is beautiful. And it gets more beautiful, when you believe it is. It’s all about the belief system in our minds and what we decide to focus our energy on.

I’m more in love with this life of mine than ever, I’m happier than I have ever been. Nothing is perfect. Nothing will ever be. I’m not perfect, my marriage is not, my health is not, my business is not, my relationships are not, my family is not – but I am happy.

Being in love with life, choosing it every day, makes me more excited for what’s to come. No matter what it is, good or bad, I have a new way of looking at things. And I know that it is the cracks that let the light shine through.

Sometimes it feels like I don’t have any more room inside – and then I feel my heart stretching and my life stretching, expanding – to make room for more. More life. More love. More happiness.

Yesterday I celebrated a new year of life. And it made me think how life is like a bottle of wine or a wheel of cheese. Getting better, tastier, fuller, richer, with every year that passes.

Sometimes I wish I could tell that 10 year old Nadia whose soul just fell apart, that little girl who’s wondering. If she will ever belong. If she will ever feel loved. If she will ever be heard. If she will ever be happy.

You will, little one. You will be all of those things and much more. It gets better. So much better.

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“There are two ways to live your life – one is as though nothing is a miracle and the other is as if everything is a miracle.”
Albert Einstein

Comments:

19

  1. Nicole

    August 15th, 2016 at 10:12 PM

    Danke dafür. Ich find’s fantastisch wie sehr Du strahlst und Dein Licht scheinen lässt.
    Man verliert manchmal den Glauben an sich und an all das was eigentlich in einem steckt. Danke für’s Mut machen und Erinnern. ❤️

  2. Nadia Meli

    August 16th, 2016 at 7:06 AM

    Liebe Nicole, nie nie nie den Glauben verlieren! x Mach weiter, ich feuer dich an!!!! xxx

  3. Viktor

    August 15th, 2016 at 11:50 PM

    I could’ve not said it any better my dear friend. THIS is EXACTLY what I am experiencing myself. I have really no words to that anymore and just know you are touching thousends of people that are connected through your social media. Cannot wait to talk about that maybe in person if you want to (as we do anyway haha). I just wanted you to know how proud I am of you and your journey and just love how God answers prayers…. for now this is it. Vik

  4. Nadia Meli

    August 16th, 2016 at 7:05 AM

    I love you my friend. Can’t wait to see you in 4 weeks!

  5. Lauren

    August 16th, 2016 at 6:57 AM

    You make my heart sing too. Thank you for being vulnerable – you are influencing more than you can imagine! Just thank you.

  6. Nadia Meli

    August 16th, 2016 at 7:06 AM

    Thank you for being here Lauren!!! xxx

  7. Gordon A.

    August 16th, 2016 at 7:01 AM

    Nadia, I have been a silent admirer so far, never commenting anywhere. In fact this is the first comment I am leaving on a blog ever. Everything you give to us, it means the world. Thank you for inspiring. I hope it comes back to you times million.

  8. Nadia Meli

    August 16th, 2016 at 7:06 AM

    Thank you so much Gordon! Means a lot! x

  9. Chantal

    August 16th, 2016 at 7:29 AM

    What a wonderful woman you are! Love your work, such an inspiration x

  10. Ilaria

    August 16th, 2016 at 11:10 AM

    Nadia, I didn’t find the words to tell you when we met and I still don’t. You touch my soul. In so many ways. You give me words for things I cannot name inside of me, things I made myself wrong for for so long, and when I read you, I feel like I find a new piece of me I can bring home and love a little more.
    For this and so much more. Thank you. I love you, Ilaria xxx

  11. Selina

    August 16th, 2016 at 11:21 AM

    I usually never leave comments *ever*. But this one made me cry so many happy and some sad tears. I felt this deeply. I used to believe that I had to wait until I was thin, pretty, successful, rich and had my life under control before I could be happy. But in fact that day when everything is perfect never comes! So what I’ll do now is life today! I hope you had an amazing birthday Nadia! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us!

  12. Ortensia

    August 16th, 2016 at 11:41 AM

    Dear Nadia, this is amazing… this is so touching me… me the one just started to walk this path… thank you for your words and you being so open to the world…. happy birthday :)

  13. Annett

    August 16th, 2016 at 2:15 PM

    Nadia, words can´t describe how wonderful and touching this post is. Thank you from the button of my heart for share your thoughts and words with us <3.

  14. Kerstin

    August 22nd, 2016 at 11:22 AM

    Perfectly worded! Thanks for the reminder

  15. Sung-Hee

    August 22nd, 2016 at 12:37 PM

    Liebe Nadia,
    vielen Dank für diese tollen Zeilen!Für Deine Offenheit und dies zu teilen. Du hast mich sehr inspiriert und berührt.

  16. Jeannette

    August 22nd, 2016 at 9:31 PM

    Thank you so much for sharing this – it’s as if you took words out of my heart and wrote them down! You’re an inspiration and a beautiful soul! Keep on singing that song that has been given to you – joyfully and confidently! Jeannette

  17. Tanya

    August 27th, 2016 at 10:49 PM

    Thank you for the beautiful words Nadia – such wonderful inspiration to put a spring in my step xx

  18. Melanie

    August 29th, 2016 at 10:52 PM

    Wow. Danke dafür. Sitze gerade im Starbucks in Kanada, auf grosser Weltreise. Eine Reise, von der man sich verspricht, dass sie einen glücklich macht. Aber selbst am anderen Ende der Welt mit all der Zeit und all dem Freiheiten die man hat, machen einen nicht die Landschaften, Leute, Eindrücke glücklich. Es ist genau das, was du beschreibst. Glücklichsein beginnt bei mir selbst. Und nicht was um mich herum passiert. Danke danke danke für diese Erinnerung, neue Erkenntnis. Es tat so gut deinen Beitrag zu lesen. Ich verlasse dieses Café mit ganz viel Sonne im Herzen, obwohl es draussen regnet.

  19. Agne

    January 29th, 2017 at 7:08 PM

    You are really inspirational person! Thank you :)

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All that spills out of my heart, you can find on these pages.

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