TO BE HONEST

When people tell me, they don’t know what to

write about on social media

i always say:

just say the truth.

so this is me, saying the truth.

i am overwhelmed and tired

i don’t want to be available all the time to everyone

on every channel

yet

i feed off of the attention

i don’t know what to say

or how to say it

that’s why i haven’t said anything on here in so long

there is so much inside I could say

but i fear nobody wants to hear me

it’s irrational

because they do

they tell me so

but I am paralysed

unable to work

and maybe i don’t want to say anything right now

i just want to be

still

i feel under constant pressure

to perform

to be

insightful

smart

successful

on top of things

to be what people are used from me

i feel pressure when someone messages me

‘i miss your videos’

or

‘i miss your long thoughtful captions/blogposts/newsletters’

i should be happy

that people say these things

how wonderful

isn’t it

and i am

but the pressure

is louder

it screams

and then i feel guilty

because their words don’t make me as happy as they should

and i wonder

if you like long captions

why don’t you write them yourself

if you need advice

why don’t you take a step

and DO something

after all

This is how i learned

just by doing things

i feel like i am in a game

in a race

against who?

i don’t have answers for you

i only have questions

you need to find your own answers

i don’t want to meet your expectations of me

i am allowed to change

to be

more than one thing

more than what you think I am

something new to what you’re used to

i guess

All i want to say is

i find it hard right now

to show up

And i need some space

And some grace

Maybe this doesn’t make much sense

And it’s certainly not filtered

i know

i will feel different again

but

this is my truth

right now.

Share this story